


Of Ninja and Ceilings and Lives Less Ordinary

by Nilladriel, RosaLui



Series: PostApocalyptic Zombie AU [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crack, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Ninja Can Do Ceiling Sex, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Reincarnation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-04-01
Updated: 2010-04-01
Packaged: 2018-01-19 17:15:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1477627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nilladriel/pseuds/Nilladriel, https://archiveofourown.org/users/RosaLui/pseuds/RosaLui
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Naruto tries to convince Sasuke to have sex on the ceiling. It doesn't go well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Of Ninja and Ceilings and Lives Less Ordinary

"I seriously think we should try it," Naruto said one day. Sasuke gave him a stare. _Try what,_ it said, and _Why are you distracting me from my tea._

"Ceiling sex," Naruto said, and suddenly the kitchen table was covered with spit and Sasuke's tea.

"That's gross," Naruto said.

"What the _fuck._ You..." Sasuke wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "You're not serious."

Naruto gave him a long look. Sasuke gave him a look equally as long. It was weighed with questions, like, _You remember last week, right? With the log and the cream?'_ and _Is this another stupid idea that will end with one of us having to go to Sakura?_

Naruto didn't notice, because he was back to staring at the ceiling. Then suddenly he was grinning at Sasuke, the bright, wide grin that reminded Sasuke just how much he belonged _here,_ away from gray and dark and cold. "Your control _is_ good enough, right?"

"Yes," Sasuke said, momentarily blinded. Then he caught himself. "Idiot, we are _not_ having sex on the ceiling."

"Great!" said Naruto, he of the selective hearing, and then suddenly he was across the table and warm lips were on Sasuke's.

He had not, Sasuke was fairly sure, agreed to anything, but the mouth on his was a little too distracting for him to be sure.

"'Sides," Naruto murmured. "I'll let you be on top."

….What?

Sasuke unsuctioned himself and pulled back. "Let me?" He asked, eyes narrowing.

But Naruto was leaning so close that Sasuke could feel warm breath on his ear, and suddenly his indignation didn't matter because Naruto was trailing a hot hand up his stomach, beneath his shirt.

"Yeah," came the whisper, "let you be on top. You'd have to be, if I'm holding us to the ceiling..."

Sasuke opened his mouth.

Naruto's tongue licked a hot wet patch along Sasuke's ear. "Hangin' upside-down with you buried deep and tight and so fucking hard, Sasuke, fuck, please, I want you inside me…" Naruto said, and Sasuke forgot what he was going to say.

 _Fine_ , he was about to say as Naruto caught Sasuke's ear between his teeth. _Yeah, fine, just do it already_.

"….On the ceiling," Naruto added.

At which point Sasuke managed to recall the last shreds of his sanity and whack Naruto upside the head.

* * *

Two weeks had passed since Naruto first suggested _that thing_ and Sasuke had - as would anyone with common sense - refused.

It should have been over. Done with. Out of the question. But the moron kept doing little things to remind him of the possibility.

It was, Sasuke reflected as he walked into their apartment one day to find Naruto hanging upside-down right in front of his face, really annoying.

"That is not going to work," Sasuke said, trying to move past the vertical human blockade and into the kitchen to put down the shopping.

Naruto's arms shot out on either side, gripping the door frame with each hand and blocking his path.

"You are a moron," Sasuke informed him, "who thinks he's Spiderman. Unless you're planning to have an affair with my shirt, this experiment is a failure. Your mouth is nowhere near mine."

He was right. The ceiling over Naruto's foyer was low - fully stretched out as they both were, Naruto's mouth hovered around his chest. Too low for a kiss, and too high for… other activities.

Which Sasuke had most definitely _not_ , in any way, just thought about.

"Yeah," Naruto said, "I know."

Sasuke felt warm breath, and then a hot mouth was pressed against his shirt, a moist tongue leaving a wet stripe across the fabric over Sasuke's nipple.

"C'mon Sasuke," Naruto fairly groaned, and Sasuke had to fight to control his breathing. Nimble fingers let go of the door frame and picked at the buttons of his shirt. "C'mon."

He heard buttons popping and suddenly Naruto's mouth was on his bare skin, rough and chapped, traveling down his body as Naruto pressed onto his toes.

"C'mon," came the voice again from somewhere near his ribs (and when the hell had Sasuke closed his eyes?), "fuck me against the ceiling."

The words woke him from his stupor.

"You're an idiot," he said, and smacked Naruto in the face with the plastic bag.

Naruto fell to the ground with a squawk.

"See?" Sasuke said. "If you can't even deal with that, there's no way in hell you could deal with me grinding into you right… _there_." He bumped Naruto's butt with his foot, and then walked past to put the shopping into the refrigerator.

* * *

This should have been the end of it, which of course was why Sasuke walked into the kitchen one morning to find not breakfast but Naruto, shirtless and smiling and upside down.

"So I've been thinking," Naruto said, which told Sasuke why the idiot had been unusually quiet lately, "and I figured, you know, just in case, I should practice."

Sasuke opened the fridge. Remarkably, there was still food inside.

"Yeah," Naruto said, as if Sasuke had replied.

Sasuke's back was to him, but he could still see Naruto's shit-eating grin in his head, the one that said, _This is a good idea, of course it is'_ Then he turned around, a plate of leftovers in his hand, and dropped the plate, because Naruto was - _touching himself._

" _What are you doing_ ," Sasuke said, while a sausage bumped gently against his foot.

"Practicing," Naruto said, voice low, still grinning, and rolled a nipple between two fingers. "Want to join?"

Sasuke put his head in his hands. Not because of exasperation, but because his cheeks were flushing. "I'm leaving," he said. Sakura was always strangely willing to feed him. Or talk to him. Or anything -

Naruto started to make sounds, low and rough, and Sasuke marched himself to the door.

It rattled in its frame when he slammed it shut behind him, and Sasuke pressed his back and palms against the wood and carefully did not think about what – about who - about who doing what - he had left behind.

 _I will not_ , Sasuke thought to himself, _give in._

 

* * *

Sex with Naruto was good. That was not the problem.

In fact, sex with Naruto was VERY good, Sasuke decided as he reached above his head, bracing his hands against the headboard of the bed and shoving himself back to meet Naruto's thrusts. He moved mindlessly, caught in the rhythm, grinding, impaling himself as hard as he could while Naruto pounded up into him.

Naruto was whispering nonsensical things, moaning them, cussing under his breath and panting open-mouthed, sweat dripping down tanned skin and toned muscles as his necklace swayed hypnotically between their bodies -

Then Naruto pulled out and grabbed Sasuke's leg, pulling it up over his shoulder as he turned him on his side. Naruto straddled his bottom leg and drove into him sideways, Sasuke's upper thigh cradled in his arms.

"Sasuke," Naruto groaned, as if his name was a mantra or some kind of fucking magic word, "Sasuke Sasuke Sasuke -"

Sasuke was covered in sweat, arms turning to rubber above him - he would never be as strong as Naruto, he know that, it was a fact of life, but the idiot had fucking _endless_ stamina and it was going to kill Sasuke one of these days - and then he realized that they were moving.

Naruto was shifting his grip, hoisting Sasuke upward into his arms and scuttling awkwardly towards the wall.

Walls, Sasuke realized vaguely. Walls lead to ceilings, and ceilings - for some reason he would surely remember when his brain started working again - were not good.

"Naruto," he said, and then he gasped "Naruto," again instead of something else -something important - because Naruto was moving again, thrusting against a spot that made Sasuke's eyes want to roll back in his head. " _Fuck_ ," Sasuke said, and dug fingers into Naruto's neck, his hair, feeling that hot flush reach higher and higher – _yes_ –

But there was something odd about the way Naruto was holding him, the angle, something, something wrong with the cold plaster at his back and nothingness under his feet -

He opened his eyes, and found himself staring at the -

"Are we on the _wall_?"

\- floor.

Naruto chuckled into his ear, a solid weight under and around Sasuke. "Um, yes?"

Sasuke's gaze shifted left, at the foot fixed firmly to the wall. Then he looked right, at the other foot, similarly stuck to the wall.

He wanted to be annoyed at finding himself in a position that gravity shouldn't rightly allow, and he opened his mouth, but the biting words wouldn't come. His tongue felt hefty, as heavy and loose as the rest of him. Instead he let his forehead drop onto Naruto's shoulder. "You - ggnnhh," he said.

"I like you like this," Naruto said, because he never shut up, and Sasuke could hear _and_ feel his voice, reverberating, and then Naruto wormed a hand between them and wrapped it around him and the world whited out, waves of pleasure crashing over him.

When he could breathe again, he realized he could feel warmth inside him, and Naruto was panting as hard as he was as he eased them gently, slowly, back onto the bed.

"So," Naruto said after a minute. "Tell me you don't want to do that on the ceiling."

Sasuke groaned.

* * *

"You're irritated," Neji told him.

Sasuke looked up from the lunch menu. He liked Neji. The first time they'd met, Neji had asked him for his name, and then looked surprised when he gave it.

Neji put down his chopsticks, fixing Sasuke with his usual, heavy stare. "It's Naruto," he said. For anyone else, it would have been a guess.

Sasuke was saved from answering by Sakura, the last member of their three-person lunch gathering, as she leaned over and pointed out tomato onigiri to him on the menu.

"I've never tried those before," Sasuke said, before the look on her face made him realize that this was one of _those_ moments. Those moments where he was being unknowingly pressed as if through a cookie cutter into the empty space the other Sasuke had left.

Sakura excused herself, saying something about the bathroom. Resisting the urge to put his head in his hands, Sasuke ordered the onigiri.

"She needs time to get over it," Neji said without prompting once she was gone.

It was slowly getting better, this nameless awkward problem, and people were no longer looking at him with anger or sadness for reasons he didn't fully understand. But so far Neji was the only one who seemed to _get_ it.

_"It's my bloodline limit," Neji had said once. "Our eyes can pick out the details inside you no one else can see. Flaws and mannerisms you would never even notice tell me more than your whole life story ever could. It is obvious you and the other Uchiha are poles apart."_

_Or as Naruto had explained it, "His whole family looks kind of identical. I bet he's just used to it."_

Still, Neji seemed the sort to know how to keep his mouth shut. Sasuke could, he mused as the waitress placed their food before them, probably tell him things without having the other man blab it to the rest of the village.

"Naruto wants me to have sex with him on the ceiling," Sasuke tried.

Neji spat his sushi across the table.

Feeling annoyed at the stupidity of his own words but knowing it was too late to take them back now, Sasuke just waited. He couldn't exactly blame Neji for the involuntary expulsion of food without being a hypocrite.

"Why," Neji said at last, wiping his chin, "would I want to know?"

Sasuke searched for the right words. "Is that normal in this place?"

"….It's happened."

"All I want to know is how likely I am to get my skull crushed."

"….It's unlikely Naruto would let that happen. But trust me when I say I do _not want to know._ Try Kakashi Hatake."

Sasuke wasn't sure he trusted Hatake to tell him the truth. "Don't you have a teacher? He's never spoken about it?"

Neji's eyes got very wide. "Oh… _God_."

"Oh God, what?" The voice was Sakura's, and if her trip to the bathroom had been suspiciously short, neither of the boys said anything.

"Naruto," Sasuke paraphrased, as Neji still seemed trapped in a horrified silence. "He's an idiot who doesn't know when to stop being stubborn."

"He never gives up," Sakura said, sliding back into her seat. "That's who he is. So whatever idea he has, you might as well give in now." The last bit was said with laughter in her voice.

To show appreciation for her advice, Sasuke tried a tomato onigiri.

It was good.

* * *

"Okay," Sasuke said.

Naruto didn't hear him at first, sprawled at the kitchen table sharpening a pile of shuriken, a rare frown of concentration scrunching his face. The cloth swept smoothly over metal, leaving the sharp edges gleaming.

Sasuke wondered if he should speak again, or if he had given the moron enough of a chance and should just leave him to it.

Then Naruto said, "Okay? Huh?" and winced, holding up a cut finger.

Sasuke rolled his eyes. The idiot couldn't multitask. "Okay," he repeated.

Naruto just blinked at him stupidly for another moment – Sasuke could practically see the cogs turning in his brain – and then Sasuke blinked and they were in the bedroom, the air being crushed out of his lungs as Naruto slammed him into the bed. He scrambled backwards as a hand he couldn't see grabbed at his pants and yanked his jeans down his legs – he twisted and reached for Naruto's belt but the other boy wrestled him down again, pulling Sasuke's shirt over his head and attacking his chest with his mouth.

Sasuke kneed Naruto hard in the ribs – he barely grunted but it got the point across – and rolled them over, lips attaching to Naruto's as they worked together to peel away any remaining clothing.

Then Sasuke frowned and lifted away, propping himself up where he leaned over Naruto, mouth set. Naruto groaned incoherently and pawed at him a bit to pull him down again. Sasuke ignored this. "We're only doing this if you're positive you can stay attached to the ceiling."

"I told you," Naruto growled in frustration, no longer pulling at Sasuke's shoulders but now attempting to compensate for the loss of contact, thighs parting and right leg coming up to hook around Sasuke's thigh, grinding upward mindlessly. "It's _no problem_. I'm gonna be the _Hokage_. I learned this stuff _ages_ ago."

"If you drop me," Sasuke said clearly, trying to ignore the way Naruto was moving beneath him, "your dick is never coming near me again."

Naruto didn't answer. Sasuke had two seconds to be vaguely worried about the shit-eating grin that was spreading across the other's face, and then Naruto was winding his arms around his back -

A rush of air, a moment of disorientation as his head spun and gravity did something it shouldn't have, and then Sasuke realized he was looking at the room from above.

"What," Sasuke said. Naruto just snickered in his ear.

They were stuck to the ceiling like flies, Naruto facing the plastered wood, right foot and left palm stuck firm. His right arm was still wrapped around Sasuke's back, their chests pressed together, three legs dangling ludicrously downward. Sasuke could look over Naruto's shoulder and see the floor.

"This," he said, "is ridiculous." Also, he had absolutely no leverage.

"Wanna switch it up then?" Naruto's breath was hot against his ear. He could practically _feel_ the other boy's grin. "Could lay you on your back if you want, could have you all spread open as I fuck you into the ceiling –" Sharp teeth nipped at Sasuke's neck.

The ceiling was really, _really_ not a place Sasuke ever wanted his dick rubbing against.

Although.

Sasuke craned his neck and looked at it. It looked suspiciously white, which suggested Naruto had cleaned it. The idiot had foresight for the dumbest things.

Sasuke stared back down at the floor. He gave himself three, then five seconds. If he was scared, this wasn't going to work.

"I'm going to have to be below you," he said.

Naruto said, "Huh?"

"I need leverage," Sasuke said. He reached down to cup Naruto, and Naruto made a strangled noise, shuddering. He didn't seem like he was going to drop them, though. That was good. Sasuke squeezed.

"But later," he continued, and reached lower. It was awkward, and there was an airy, uncertain feeling in his gut - but then Naruto made a noise as he slipped a finger inside, and that slight fear turned into a burning, heady rush. Sasuke moved his finger and thought, _This is still stupid_ , but, fuck, he was turned on –

Naruto clenched and shuddered around him.

"Have to do this dry," Sasuke said, realizing they had no lube.

"I'm a ninja," Naruto said as he jerked against Sasuke's hand. "Hurry up."

Sasuke bit down on Naruto's collarbone and slipped in the tip of a second finger. It was tight and hot and he worked carefully, because even if Naruto said he could stand it rough, that didn't mean anything. Naruto could probably 'stand' the loss of a limb.

His fingers sunk to the knuckle and he twisted them experimentally, searching for –

Naruto groaned and jerked and suddenly Sasuke's back was flat against the ceiling, shoulder blades scraping as Naruto rubbed roughly up against him.

Sasuke panted, trying to concentrate – he could feel heat and the need for pressure building in his body –

"Do it already," Naruto growled at him, and Sasuke couldn't find it in himself to argue.

He slipped his fingers out and slid sideways, keeping an arm and leg hooked around Naruto's torso and shifting until he clung to Naruto like a sloth from below, back against chest.

Naruto laughed at him.

"Just," Sasuke growled, "shut up."

He shifted down – God, this was so _awkward_ – angled himself and _pushed,_ up and forward, sinking into tight heat.

Breathe slowly, slowly – he could feel his arms getting shaky already, feel sweat trickling down their skin as his head spun at the delicious pressure.

Then Naruto got impatient and _shoved_ , clenching around him, and Sasuke had to scrabble to keep his grip as he sunk in inch by inch. Naruto chuckled breathlessly. " _Move_."

Sasuke did. It was – weird, and it was _different_. There was something so off about this angle, the gravity pulling on him and the adrenaline making his head spin. It was ridiculous. It was _good_.

They fell into rhythm, Naruto groaning as shamelessly as he always did, Sasuke's mouth worrying at the back of his neck. He could feel the burn starting in his arms and thighs, muscles seizing from the strain. Naruto was shoving back down against him, fast and hard and eager, and Sasuke clamped on harder to stop the idiot from throwing him to the floor.

Then the angle changed and it was somehow perfect this time. Naruto made a surprised choking sound and suddenly _Sasuke's stomach had disappeared and they were falling towards the floor –_

There was a crashing sound and Sasuke opened his eyes gingerly. They were still attached to the ceiling – just barely, the toes of Naruto's right foot still stuck fast and his right fist punched _through_ the ceiling, hand wrapped around the beam.

Tiny flakes of white paint fluttered gently down to land onto them, sticking to sweaty skin like glue.

"….I'm going to kill you."

Naruto snickered. "We're still – _ah_ – attached, bast- _oh fuck keep doing that."_

Sasuke's brain had apparently stopped working, because despite the fact that _the idiot really didn't know how to control himself after all_ the tight heat around him was telling him to keep moving. He snapped his hips up again, searching for that spot again –

Naruto groaned, head rolling back against Sasuke's shoulder, so loud Sasuke could barely hear himself, shuddering–

Sasuke ground against that spot again, panting, nails digging in and leaving red tracks across Naruto's chest – his fingertips dragged across a hard nipple and Naruto panted out again, hard and guttural. "Sas- ghh – _ahhh_ -"

Sasuke dared to let go for one second, reached downward and groped blindly for Naruto's dick, encircling him and tugging once. Naruto cried out hoarsely, and hot sticky wetness covered Sasuke's hand. The sound and the feel brought Sasuke over the edge, ridiculous and undignified sounds issuing from his mouth as the world went white, his arms and legs clinging desperately.

He came down from it slowly, panting, the world wavering. Above him, Naruto made a disoriented, happy noise. Okay. Maybe… maybe this hadn't been such a bad idea after all.

"Er, Sasuke." Naruto's voice was exhausted.

Sasuke's arms were shaking with fatigue. "….What?"

"Uh. Sorry."

"….What?"

"Uh. Hold on."

"…. _Wha_ -"

Naruto's hand slipped from the ceiling.

….Sasuke was going to _kill_ him.

**Author's Note:**

> [Tumblr](http://rosalui.tumblr.com/) l [LJ](http://rosalui.livejournal.com/)


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